All Work & No Play

.....Makes Lisa a BUSY girl.

We're only 29 days into 2011 and my plate simply cannot be emptied!!  Figuratively of course, not literally, because any plate that is literally in front of me can be cleaned in 2 seconds flat.  I love food!  //whoopsies, sidetracked// What I was getting to is that I've been veryyyyy busy planning lots of things already!

For starters, my parents' 30 year wedding anniversary is coming up -- February 11th!  I have the biggest most AWESOME surprise for them (totally serious, its like Oprah-worthy) and I am SO EXCITED to see the looks on their faces!  This, um, *THING* I've been planning has taken up literally almost every single day off that I have and has taken up mega amounts of time!  It will be well worth it in the end though, and my parents SO deserve it!  Cant wait to share the surprise w/ everyone, but I have to wait, just in case my mom is a sneaky snake and tries to find hints on my blog. :)

Also in February - I'm going to Denver for work AND co-hosting a baby shower.  (Thats a lot for a short month!)  I'm also in the process of exploring new work ventures in the hopes of owning my own business one day(soon??!).  The other halves of my days off are spent having meetings, researching and planning. planning. planning.  This girl is about ready to pull her hair out!

To add to my stressful 2011 start, my stomach problems have come back, so I need to stop putting off my endoscopy; I also need a root canal, AND I've been putting off an MRI & MRA on my brain.... but seriously, who has the time for health and dental issues!!??!! 

Okay. So I am ready to catch my breath and do NOTHING!  If all goes according to plan, I may have some downtime come April.  But since when do things go according to plan?  Moral of the story???  Life. Is. Crazy.

Dear IRS, You are really pissing me off.

Once again.....this year my hubby and I have to PAY the IRS. I used to loveeee income tax return time.  In years-before-marriage Jake and I would each get back $800-3000. But now a days.. its quite the opposite and we end up paying back at the end of the year. joy.  This frustrates me so much.  People who are loooooowwww income (yes, I can talk about poor people because it used to BE us) get thousands back.  People with children get thousands back.  Shouldn't we be rewarded for being responsible thriving members of society?  The answer is no. Sure, we deduct our mortgage interest, our property taxes, student loan interest, etc. etc. etc. but apparently its not enough.  I can only imagine what we would owe the IRS w/o all those lovely deductions.  Yikes. 

Well, this year, we are supposed to pay another whopping $1098.  But........ HOORAY for me, I found a loophole! (IRS, this is legal, please don't audit me!)  Jake and I are going to file separately this year.  (you know..the married filing separately thing?)  Which means, we only have to pay $111.  I'm still pissed off about having to pay, but whatevs.  Its the lesser of two evils. 

And in 2011 - I have a different approach. I am saving EVERY flipping receipt w/ sales tax, giving way more to charity, AND will be adjusting my W4 to continue to withold the highest amount of taxes, but also to take an additional $25 out.  If all of this doesn't work... then..welll.... I really am moving to a deserted island.  Or quitting my job, getting on welfare and having 6 kids.  Thank you democratic supporters, because THIS ^ is what you are all about - giving, giving, giving to those who make shitty choices and overpopulate the US w/ more dirtbags who will continue the cycle,  and taking away from people like me.  A big F. You. 

Okay whoopsies this post got a little political - my bad.  The real point here is that I have a hard time parting w/ my money and in 2012 I hope I am in a different boat, either breaking even or getting a little somethin-somethin back. 

I say good day, my rant is over.

Where can I get one of these?

I'm Doomed to Have an Ugly Baby!

F*cking Scary

WHOAAAA, like not right NOW. and not in the very near future either. (umm.. hopefully not, but that situation is still developing.)


You see, the problem is, I have an eye for ugly babies.  Meaning, I'm not one of those folks who pretends that all babies are cute.  This is NOT true people!  All babies are not created equal.  SOME are seriously so stinkin' cute that I can't stand it.. but others... welllllll, not so much.  Some look like little old wrinkly men, or monkeys, or aliens even.   (I know, I know, that is so RUDE!) And I don't even hide it.  If you're baby isn't cute, I'm can't bring myself to lie and say it is. Instead, I'll say, oh, I like your baby carrier, (is that what you call that thing?) or you know, something along those lines.  

Because I'm so judgemental of these poor sweet babies, I just KNOW that we are cursed, and Jake and I will have a fugly baby.  BUT here's the deal.. I'm not going to go around trying to convince people that my baby is good lookin'.  I get so annoyed when people w/ not-so-cute babies rave about putting them in pageants or blah. blah. blah.  You're not fooling anyone!  I'll just be straight up, and correct people and say "No, little Baby Lisa isn't the cutest, but she's going to grow into it, or she's going to be really smart" or "Maybe she'll get by on her personality" or something like that.  And NO, I'm not really going to name my child after me, that would be weird. I might be blinded by my love but for realsies, I want to be honest with myself.  If our baby does look like the hunchback of notre dame, I AM going to 75% blame it on the hubs. His mom said he was so...um...unique looking the first year of his life that she didn't take him in public, OR take any pictures of him.  And she wasn't lying, I haven't seen ONE infant pic of him!  

Come to think of it....I don't think I've seen a newborn pic of me either.....Shit.  We're totally screwed.

WTF Moments

From the Golden Globes, 2011 - Celebs have boo koos of money and this is the shit they try to pull??  Oh, helllllll no.  I'm may not be topping any best dressed lists myself, but I can still judge these people. I decided.

Halle Berry - YES you have a bangin' bod, we all know this.  But do you really have to showcase it in this trashy lingerie dress?  So blaahhhhh.

J Lo - that sheer shaw thingy is flippin hideous and unacceptable.  This is semi-wedding dress-ish, and not in a good way. OH and you hair and eye liner are both WAY too harsh.

Oh, Christina.. This dress would have been cute on someone else, but you are not skinny minny any more.  This dress makes you look so much hefty-er then you are.  Also, I am tired of your white hair that washes out your white skin.  Please go back to the dirty years of black hair and orange tan.

Well Natalie, you are preggo, so I want to half nice to you, but....this dress is off the charts FUGLY.  What is that sequined rose applique doing on there?  Pink + Red????  Are you channeling Valentines day?  Ugh, don't know but I don't care.  Your accessories also suck - just as much.

Lea Michele - this dress is the wrong color, wrong cut, and wrong style.  And your hair is a hot mess!  Next!

Well, well, well, is someone going to the prom?

Tina Fey - I am not shocked by this, you WOULD try to pull this off.  Velvet is ugly and ill fitting.  This dress is hideous in too many obvious ways to even discuss - also, please comb your nappy hair.

Eww, What is with all the pink?? I do believe someone designed this trash bag dress in the dark.  Grosssssss.

Too easy.  Although, I am also wondering WHO the F this is!!!

Freak Out Mode

Yup, I'm almostttt ready for a melt down.  As you might remember, this past month Jake and I had to embarrassingly resort to Plan B.  I have been patiently waiting for my "monthly gift" to make its grand appearance, andddd...nothing. I'm OFFICIALLY 2 days late. WHA-WHA-WHATTT??!!!!!  In the past 2 years this has never happened. But, mayyyybe my period came, and was just so light and short that I didn't even notice it?! Mayyyybe I wont have one this month because I've taken the morning after pill and my hormones are a little screwy?!  Mayyyybe I'm going through menapause?! (Okay, I MIGHT be reaching!) I took a test a couple days ago, and it was negative so I thought we were safe, but, um, I would still like a little confirmation via period!!!  I've been wanting to start so bad that I've imagined up phantom cramps and backaches, and even thought to myself.."hmm, is this be something I should be over-emotional or bitchy about?"!  I just wish my body would get in gear and let me know wassup with tha wassup!!  You know how they say when you're pregnant, you just KNOW it?  Well, I do NOT have that feeling.  In fact, I distinctively feel very un-preggo.  So...come on mother nature, quit screwin' w/ my head! 

Mountain - meet Molehill.

Okay - I SERIOUSLY hate it when people make a mountain out of a molehill.  What is up with that?  Why overreact and make a little teensy thing into a GIANT thing?  Ohhhh, my pet peeve.  Several times in the last few weeks there has been a lot of mountain making in my life.  Mostly work related.  Correction: TOTALLY work related.  Let me try and think of an example... lets see... it's like, if you use something (lets say... a cleaning product) and forget to put it back [ONE TIME] and your co-worker is told to send an email out to the entire staff telling everyone that cleaning products need to be shared.  um, duh??  Aren't there bigger fish to fry?  Really??  (Oh and to add fuel to the fire, how about if later on in that same day an email goes out that from that point forward, that certain cleaning product can will now be provided for each individual and you can essentially keep it where you want to).  Seems totally SILLY and petty right??  Well, imagine if that happened ALL. THE. TIME.  Annoying much?  I swear if its not one thing its another.  And here I am beating a dead horse!  Crying over spilled milk!  Gahhhh...

Okay, time to pull the plug, and cut to the chase!  Although this may seem like a bunch of weird mumbo jumbo, what I REALLY wanted to do after starting this blog is to:

a.) vent, and
b.) see how many idioms I could fit in one blog. hence all the italics.

Idioms are fun and they make me smile. 

Oh, and sorry you just wasted 30 seconds of your life.

Happy Belated New Year!!!

Thats all, really.  I just forgot to say that earlier, and we are already 7 days into 2011!  Hope everyone had a good NYE, better known as amateur night.

What did I do?  Well.. I spend 10+ hours of the day working and this lovely thing happened to me. After work I was exhaustedddddddddddd and kind of wanted to skip out on the dinner out that the hubs and I had planned - but I walked in the door and my oh-so-handsome hubby was ALL dressed up (he never does this, so it was def an 'awww' moment) so we ended up having dinner out after all. :) He bought us a bottle of champagne for later and we rang in the new year at home JUST the two of us - it was pure low-key awesomeness.  I love that man.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to whatever craziness 2011 throws my way!!! 

P.S. Still trying to uphold our New Year's Resolutions!

TMI: Brazilian Gone VERY Wrong

OH MY GOD. *THE* most embarrassing, horrible, disgusting, repulsive thing EVER happened to me the other day!!!!!  BUT as with most of my stories, I must preface it with a little bit of background so you know I would be in such a predicament to begin with.

Lets start with what I do for a living. Awkward. You'll understand WHY in a minute. So anyway, I'm an Esthetician which means I'm licensed to do a number of things like facials, makeup, lash tinting & extensions, chemical peels, and... hair removal.  In my case - in the form of waxing.  So yes, I specialize in waxing.  And I do *ALL* body parts.  Yes, everyyyyywhere.  Get why describing my job can get awkward now??  [Disclaimer: It's actually a fun and totally professional career, believe it or not, and can be quite lucrative!]

Now for my great story!  So.... the other day I was giving someone a Brazilian - if you've ever had this service before you know this means removing all hair from the front to the back and everything in between.  I was almost finished and had my client flip over to do the backside.  At my particular salon there is none of that 'on all fours' business or 'legs pulled up to your chest' business - thank God!  We do it in the least intrusive way - our clients just lay flat on their tummy.  Anyway, we powder all areas before applying wax and this area is no exception.  So, I powder my client up, and what does she do while I'm standing basically RIGHT over her rear end?? 

She has the audacity to.... FART.  Yes, BREAK WIND right there in front of God and everybody!  Baby powder LIT-ER-ALLY shot up and smacked me face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was so shocked and appalled, and quite frankly, weirded out that someone would fart on me!!!!!!  WHO does that ???  I mean clearly it had to be an accident.. I hope?   My reaction of course was priceless.. I jumped back, gasped, and the stick of wax went a flying.  I waited, just kind of in SHOCK, and tried to figure out what to do next.  It seemed like I stood there frozen for 5 solid minutes, before she mumbled "sorrrrrry...."  I mean, what do I even say to that??? "Oh, its totally fine!"  --um HELL to the NO!  If that was ME in that situation I would have been mortified and SUPER apologetic - not just like a 'whoopsies, oh well' ... Needless to say the rest of the appointment was awkward. and silent.  [Disclaimer #2: Hair removal can be a lucrative career, but no amount of money is worth that!]

The whole situation is laughable in hindsight (no pun intended) - I'm not gonna lie though, I'm partially traumatized and I DO get a little nervous now in dealing with this area, but I just try to stay out of the line of fire.  Yikes!  Can you BELIEVE this even happened!?  What a nightmare!!!!